What You Given Me

By Stephanie Lantigua

A written piece about being blocked and the feelings that are tied to the experience.

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So, you blocked me. I don’t know what’s worse, the feeling or the thought that I am a burden to you. How did I find out? Let just say that curiosity can kill self-esteem. Why did you do such a thing when you did all the damages. You had such great power to create such sweet and beautiful memoriesBut yet you’ve also given me something I can never say out loud.

You gave me the feeling of butterflies, something I never had with another. You gave me hope. You gaslighted me. I was so naïve to confuse the senses, and I thought you cared about me. I remember asking you if you respected me in which you said you did. So what changed.

Yes, I may have been a bit overbearing, sensitive, and dramatic. But you heighten those feelings. I always went back to you because you reminded me of my father. You were always in and out of my life, just like him. Like many, I always want things that I can never have.

I did chase you. I let myself do things to get you to see me. I did lie to you; there was never another person. You were my first. Something happened that I can never go and get back. I let you take charge of me. I became damaged goods.

At my lowest, I came to you. But all that came out from you was never to contact you again. I was never the same. I was left all alone, fighting with myself. You could have said anything else, and I would have been fine. You’ve given me a cloud that looms over my head, that thunders as a reminder. I’ve been lying to my family and friends. I say I don’t want a certain future, but I fear being in love and having a family. I dread that it will all be cut short. You’ve given me guilt that I can never pass onto someone else. I found myself creating new dreams to match my new reality. A reality that now is lonesome. You’ve given me loneliness.

You blocked me, but we have mutual friends. The last I heard is that you’re having a baby. I guess by blocking me, you stopped me from seeing you happy and in love. The feeling that you stripped me from having with anyone else.

At this point, I don’t see you as a friend, or a lover, not even as a man. You’re beyond that; you’re cruel. What you did is something I could never forgive, not even myself. We share the fault for this. I would like to switch lives with you, just to see what thoughts run through your mind. I need to find justification for what you’ve done. Help me understand you.

I cried while writing this; hopefully, these tears are a closure. What you have given me is something I can never say out loud. But what I can say is that I wish the best for you. I hope that you become a wonderful father to a daughter. I hope that your child would never become or face someone like you. I hope that you can come to peace with what you’ve done. Pray that you learn how to treat women. I do genuinely wish the best, not only just for you but me too. I hope that I’m able to surpass this and be able to live through this.

You blocked me, so I blocked you.

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